The Unidentified Road

May 2015, wow! It has been 4 years since that day when my parents asked me if I really wanted to do engineering.

Flashback to 2013, 10^th board results had just dropped in, a lot of people had come by my home in order to cajole me to not take Science and go for Commerce, I sometimes ask myself what if I had listened to them? What if I had not been as adamant as I used to be? But computers, my love for computers and desire to learn as much as I could about them had already taken over all the decision making power I had and had made sure that I chose science for my higher secondary education.

Now for the next 2 years, I was at Allen Career Institute, Kota’s most known and favorite, the institute had decided to expand its operations by starting a new branch here at Ahmedabad and my once upon a time best friend recommended me to join therewith him, unknown to me that asshat had opted for B Group and my love for computers needed me to join A Group, so I had enrolled myself into an institute where I didn’t know anyone and that was a disaster, I was a really shy guy back then, I didn’t even know how to start a conversation (spoiler alert- I don’t know that even today) and I was in a class of more than 60 new faces, that’s when I realized this was not going to end well.

First year at Allen Career Institute with respect to my academic results was a total failure, I failed at weekly exams, I didn’t understand Physics or Chemistry or Maths either, I couldn’t solve simple equations, didn’t understand something as simple as the nomenclature of chemical compounds and my physics was more than just a disaster. By the end of the first year, my parents asked me again if I wanted to change my stream and opt for Commerce, but you know, the adamant me would never listen to anyone and thus I enrolled myself for the second year again at Allen Career Institute.

2014, the second year of Allen Career Institute, one of the best years of my life had begun, no, not because I would have excelled at academics, I failed terribly more than ever before, but because I would meet 2 of my most favorite people in the world, Rushabh & Bhagyesh, technically I had known Rushabh for almost 5 years now, but we grew close here at Allen, and Bhagyesh, I had a Déjà vu when I saw him, he was me at Allen in 2013 but maybe better at making choices. Allen’s academic timings were 3:30 to 8:30, now you can only imagine how much torture that was to our poor little minds, but wait a minute how can that be torture if we had never actually studied, yes! We never studied there, all we did was shake our necks up and down, pass comments, make fun of faculties and their weird accents, in conclusion, we did everything but study. While looking back I don’t remember my score, well there wasn’t anything special about those scores either, I mean why would I remember the tests I had failed? But I remember those days we spent at Allen and augment over those very special moments.

2015, JEE results were out, as expected I hadn’t scored enough to be selected in any good college of Ahmedabad, I was in Coorg, Karnataka having a nice vacation when 12^th board results kicked in, the moment I saw my result, I cried out loud ‘I have passed in all subjects’, now this is the day when my parents finally asked if I really wanted to do engineering, looking at my scores even I knew they weren’t enough to get me in some good engineering college, also by that time I had already appeared for NATA, I had scored 78, short of 2 from getting qualified for getting into an architecture institute. So no to engineering and no to architecture as well, now my maternal uncle happened to be with us and him made me understand a few things that now to pursue engineering as a career would be nothing more than being foolish, I wasn’t qualified enough to be an engineer or an architect, the disappointment panda kicked in, the truth was finally in front of my eyes and that’s when negative self-talk started kicking in “What have you done?”, “Why didn’t you study when you had to?”, “What am I going to do now?”, “Why…What?…Why?...What?”.

Now that everything was clear to me, I had still a choice left to be made, what do I choose as a career, my cousin called me and said that there’s a new course that was going to start at GLS University’s Faculty of Management, an Integrated MBA program, a 5-year BBA-MBA course where no entrance exam would ever be needed for pursuing masters, one of my many fears was gone, after what happened to me with JEE and NATA, a permanent fear for entrance exams had been installed inside my brain, it was clear I had no choice but to enroll for this course, the only thought I had in my mind was that if I opt for this course, I’ll never be able to spend as much time with Rushabh & Bhagyesh as much we did in Allen, this time the fear was an intensity of 10, but then what choice did I have? I asked my cousin to fill up a form for me and thus now began my journey on an unidentified road.

Why is this an unidentified road? Isn’t that obvious, I wanted to learn about computers. Management? I had never thought of that, I didn’t know anything about Accounts or Statistics or Business Administration, it would have been okay if I had skipped some lectures of them during school but hey! I never opted for commerce in my higher secondary education, I was completely blank, a notebook that had never been written in, a pen’s cap that had never been taken off, oh things were so much worse, somewhere I doubted if I should have ever enrolled myself here, this could be Allen all over again, a class of 60 new faces, shy guy, didn’t even know how to start a conversation etc… but then I thought of something, I have already screwed up a lot, how much worse can it get? This is where for only once in my life, I was probably right, I didn’t screw myself ever again, this is where the unidentified road took me to a highway of self-improvement.

If you had met me 4 years ago, you would have known how clumsy I was, not saying that I am not today but way less than I used to be, and it all started with that one presentation that Prof. Pooja Shah made us do, the new product development activity, this time it was real, everyone was my competition, I had to make an impression, I had maybe already put up an image of someone who stammers, but this was the chance where I could finally show who I really was, so I put up all my guts together, go ahead and ask to be the team leader, now I had to stand up to the bar I promised I would set up and at that moment when I was upon the stage, there was an adrenaline rush in my veins, I was scared as hell, but hey I needed to do it and I gave the first ever presentation of my life, that’s it, that’s when everything about being better started, a round of applause, the sound of everyone clapping their hands for what I had said on that stage, for the first time in my life I was facing an audience like this and I didn’t stammer, I DIDN’T STAMMER, I was amused and confused at the same time, one presentation after another, my group presented so much better and we were always good at setting a bar from then on for others, I had made many new friends, a group of 7. I loved this road now, I had started to realise that this was the road I needed to travel on.

I started getting involved in the Students Activity Committee, again headed by Pooja Ma’am and Amish Sir, faculties started to recognize who I was, this was the attention maybe I was always seeking for and then started the second semester, December 8^th, 2015, I was at Kushal Shah’s home, I get a call from the HOD herself, Dr Kavita Kshatriya asking me to help her with some of IT related work, now she becomes the mentor I always craved for, she taught me almost everything I know today, she was the reason I got so many chances to prove myself and my worth to not others but me, I needed to learn that I could do things I had never imagined possible, it will never be enough, no matter how many times I thank her.

Last year I got selected at SCIT- Symbiosis Institute for Information Technology’s MBA in IT Business Management course, now I could learn about both management and computers at the same time, it was a dream for me, the 2 different roads I had taken in my adolescence were adjoining to the same highway and thus I moved to Pune, spoiler alert, I was back in Ahmedabad within 19 days only. Why? Because I attended the academics there for over 14 days and I never felt like GLS, I didn’t feel those good vibes I used to, I felt suffocated and distressed every time I entered a classroom there or my hostel room, I needed the same feeling I felt at GLS as fuel for myself to run now or else it would really be Allen all over again and I was so much afraid than ever before to fail now. There are 2 people I talked to about my issue there, Smruti Ma’am and Kavita Ma’am, Smruti Ma’am had assured me that everything was going to be okay and I just needed to take some more time, whereas unknown to me my mother had already talked to Kavita Ma’am and when she called me she said and I’ll quote her “Doors of iMBA are always open for you, you can even join after Diwali if you want to.”

And the fear of failure brought me back to the same unidentified road I was once afraid of to travel before but this time I was traveling this road by choice and not out of compulsion. Fear of failure isn’t bad but to recognize whether that failure is going to add up to your success or not is very important, 1 week into GLS I knew this could be the place where I’ll be able to improve myself, whereas 2 weeks at SCIT didn’t make me feel that way and so it was important for me to make a decision whether to stay or not and thus the unidentified road it was.

What actuated me to write this post? One dialogue I heard today while watching TVF’s Kota Factory, “Decision of your parents can be wrong but not their intention”, my parents like any other always want me to succeed and by making me travel this unidentified road the made sure I do in one way or another.

Unidentified roads can scare you a lot, it is your responsibility to choose whether if you want to travel it or not but to be sure you at least need to go few miles ahead before taking a U-turn.